How to Test for Aliens!!

So, you think your neighbor is an alien? Well, now there's a way to be sure. In his secret lab, UFO Phil has developed a foolproof method of examining folks to determine if they are alien or human. It is a simple five-question multiple-choice test. Please ask suspected alien-beings the following questions:

1) Are you an alien?

2) Are you from a planet other than Earth?

3) Do you eat people? If so, what kind (it could make a difference)?

4) On a scale of 1-10, how likely are you to attack Earth?

5) Do you believe in Tom Cruise?

Please forward all answers to UFO Phil. Oh, and you should also get a blood and skin sample.

Government Wiretapping Exposed!!

Above: Inside the Federal Alien Management Agency!

It has now been revealed that the government has been keeping a database of all phone calls and, in some cases, they have been wiretapping phone lines. In a press conference, President Bush assured Americans that these activities were only being conducted to prevent unwanted invasions by the Bad Aliens. Bush said the agency responsible for the monitoring and tapping of phone lines is FAMA, also known as the Federal Alien Management Agency. The President said that the wiretapping was mainly harmless to Americans except on rare occasions when tapped phones might explode. During the press conference, Tom Ridge jumped on stage and reminded everyone to be vigilant, even though he's not the Secretary of Homeland Security anymore.

The Truth About Oscar!!

Above: Stars can't resist shiny gold faceless figures & bright lights!

In early March, Americans watch the Oscar Awards. But, most people still don't know the dark history of this ceremony. In 1895, a Frenchman named Louis Lumiere was visited in the night by the Bad Aliens. That night, they handed him the plans and technology to construct the first moving picture camera. Since then, the Bad Aliens have used movies and television to create a distraction. While we humans are inside a darkened movie theatre, the Bad Aliens are running around outside planting Portable People Traps. Hollywood actors are lured into making movies by the promise of an Oscar ^TM award. Indeed, the aliens themselves created the Academy Awards in 1929. The award was given the name "Oscar" a few years later when Sir Gubb commented that the statuette reminded him of his Uncle Oscar Gubb. So, this year when you watch the Oscar Awards on television, be aware of it's evil purpose. Oh, and you also should know that the Bad Aliens are watching you through the glass on your TV set.

Bad Aliens Bug New Xbox

Oh how happy you were to buy that brand new Xbox 360. Maybe you even got a bargain on eBay and only paid $1,500 for it. Then, you got it home and it crashed! Finally, after days of wondering, secret alien transmissions have revealed the reason for the horrible 360 Xbug: The Bad Aliens planted a new Bad Alien Microchip (BAM) inside. These BAMS are designed to explode when the clock strikes midnight on New Years Eve. We must either destroy all the Xbox 360s in the universe before New Years Eve, or we must find a way to stop time. I am weighing both options and will report back to you when I come to a conclusion. Oh, and by the way, there is also a small alien living inside each Xbox 360! So, if your pet goes missing you'll know why. GAME WITH CAUTION!

Beware Bad Aliens Buried in Big Blow-up Balls!!

Above: Beware of snowmen bearing gifts!

I knew at the beginning of December that the aliens were up to something. I could tell because my rash came back. This means the energy is thick in the air and the Bad Aliens are nearby. Well, today my suspicions were confirmed when I went to the mall. I was walking past a Christmas display when something caught me eye. It was one of those giant blow-up snow globes with a blow up Santa inside. At fist, it was hard to see the Santa clearly because of all the styro-snow blowing around all over the place in there. But then I caught a glimpse of his squinty little Santa eyes and I knew. I knew there was a little alien hiding in there. I looked at the other globes: a snowman and a giant Snoopy. Sure enough, there were creepy little Bad Alien eyes looking out of the otherwise innocent blow-up characters. All the demo models were populated with Bad Aliens. I listened to the sealed boxes of the yet-to-be-inflated globes. I could hear Bad Aliens breathing inside. I noticed a mom and child starting to put one into their shopping cart. "No!", I screamed as I pounced on the box, "don't buy this, it will kill you." The mom and child took off running. I knew they were off to warn family and friends. And that's what I am going to do too. Can you keep a secret? Even as I sit here in this cell waiting to be released, I am writing to everyone I know to tell them about the dangerous new Christmas decorations I discovered. I'm still not sure why the store manager called the police on me. He must be part of the alien conspiracy.

Actor Killed by Bad Aliens!!

Above: in Earth Girls, yellow, blue & red aliens appear to be friends.

Comic actor Charles Rocket, famous for appearing on Saturday Night Live and in many films, was found dead on October 7th 2005 in a field near his home. Government officials are calling it a suicide, but secret Zaxonian transmissions reveal the truth: Charles Rocket was assassinated by the Bad Aliens. But why? The answer is a simple yet complicated one. The facts in this case are so clearly shrouded in fog. Back in 1989, the Bad Aliens were intercepting Earth transmissions when they came across a satellite broadcast of a movie called "Earth Girls Are Easy", which featured actor Charles Rocket. The Bad Aliens believed they were watching a documentary on the accessibility of Earth-woman affection. In short, they believed the premise of Earth girls being easy, and quickly set a course for our planet. Their master plot was to eliminate mankind and breed with the "easy" Earth women to produce alien-human hybrids. As you may have guessed, once they arrived they found the Earth girls to be not-so-easy. It didn't help that they had landed in Nebraska. Anyway, this angered the Bad Aliens and they decided right then and there that they would wait fifteen or so years and then immediately attack one of the less prominent actors in the film. And that is exactly what they did. Oh, and the Bad Aliens were also bothered by the fact that the actor was using the last name "Rocket" even though he had never actually piloted a starship of any kind.

Bad Aliens Prepare for Invasion!!

Above is an artist's rendition of what the attack will look like

I can now tell you with 99% certainty that the Bad Alien Clan is planning to hold the world hostage by invading major world cities in giant donut-shaped craft. But why are they using donut-shaped ships? The answer is clear: Every Human Loves Donuts. The Bad Aliens feel we may not want to shoot at such wonderful things, increasing their odds of success. The ships are large, VERY large. In fact, most of the invading vessels are bigger than a city. They are able to hover over large cities and drop mind-altering grenades. Because of their donut shape, they can land on top of the city and only crush the suburbs. the tall buildings poke up through the hole in the craft. If you see the ships headed your way, run from the hills into the nearest populated city-center. On second thought, if you do that then you may not be able to get back out again because the ship will be blocking all streets out of the city. Okay, a better idea might be to leave the suburbs and flee into the mountains. But, if they see you running away they can shoot you so wear camoflauge. Actually, camo won't really help because they can see the heat coming from your body. So, maybe you would be better to stay where you are. This story is developing.

Shuttle Troubles caused by Aliens

On July 12th, the Bad Aliens hid quietly behind a storage shed and threw rocks at Shuttle Discovery. After several tries, they managed to knock a tile loose. The next day, they paid a NASA janitor to bang on the fuel sensors with a wet mop, causing further delays to the scheduled launch. A transmission received on July 14th sheds light on their motives: they are attempting to stall the launch long enough to replace the astronauts with Bad Alien Droids (B.A.D) who will attempt to repossess the shuttle due to NASA's alleged late payments. It seems Rogness IV owns the bank that financed the original deal. The good news is Zaxon is putting together a fundraiser to try and pay off the balance.

Tom Cruise Believes in Aliens

Of course Tom Cruise believes in aliens. Tom Cruise has been working with the Good Aliens for many, many years while studying Scientology and other works of the Good Alien Scholars (GAS). This is why Tom knows all about prescription drugs and you know nothing. In a recent interview, Matt Lauer of NBCs Today Show tried to attack Tom. Matt Lauer (note the initials M.L.) is a Bad Alien and a member of the evil Martian Legion (note the initials M.L.) and must be silenced. You will understand the true nature of the enemy when you see Tom's new movie the War of the Worlds, based on true events. What does the future hold for Tom? Watch for his upcoming project with fellow alien scholar John Travolta entitled "Look Who's Talking to Aliens".

Bad Aliens Bomb Bathroom!!

Bad Gas causes Pain at Toilet

I have been calling every media outlet I know for months to warn them of the pending disaster involving exploding toilets. But, they did not listen. Now, a man in West Virginia has suffered a fiery fate. John Jenkins was relaxing in an outhouse when ... BOOM ... it exploded. You see, the Bad Aliens like to strike when our defenses are down. Apparently they also like to strike when our pants are down. A transmission from the Transgalactic Alien Preparedness Exchange (TAPE) suggests that anyone living on the Eastern Seaboard of the USA should duct tape their toilets shut until further notice. This will prevent Bad Aliens from pumping explosive powder or gas into your facility. If you smell anything strange near your toilet, call authorities immediately.

Fishy Man wants to cook you!!

A news report out of the Middle East suggests a recent sighting of the infamous Fishy Man. Fishermen off the Caspian Sea reported seeing Fishy Man swimming in the waters in April 2005. But, what is his ultimate goal? Intercepted Bad Alien transmissions suggest his plot involves a migration to the coastal United States, where he will set up a chain of fish restaurants. But, what's the catch? Fishy Man plans to serve up "humans and chips" in order to attract Bad Aliens who have a taste for such delicacies. While the Bad Aliens dine in his restaurant, Fishy Man plans to form an alliance with them to take over the Earth.***

***This information was translated from the Kloutu language and there's a slight possibility of error in translation. Fishy Man may be planning to migrate to the US legally in search of work as a fast food mascot. This story is developing.

Alien clubgoers flock to Saturn!

Saturn has a new "hot spot" for alien nightlife.

Astronomers using a giant telescope atop a volcano have discovered a hot spot at the tip of Saturn's south pole. THE VORTEX is an adult's only singles club where aliens go to let their hair down. Unless of course they don't have hair. Even if they don't have heads. Whatever their cranial adornments, they can still go there to have a great time. Since determining the age of some species can be difficult, patrons should be prepared to show intergalactic ID or undergo carbon dating in the lobby. Speaking of dating, those looking for a melting-pot of galactic singles will not be disappointed. Since receiving broad universal publicity over the past few weeks, THE VORTEX has become quite the destination for single aliens throughout the galaxy.

Taunted Animals Plot Revenge!

Cubs in Washington DC have been eating modified cheetah chow!

Recent transmissions have revealed a sinister plot involving seemingly cute and cuddly animals at zoos across the planet. The Bad Aliens have replaced the normal animal diet with a substance called an Animal Motivator, also known as ANIMO. Over a period of several months, zoo animals dieting on this modified chow gradually become more intelligent and aware of their captivity. Resentment builds toward their keepers for years of imprisonment and taunting by children with popcorn and ice cream. Eventually, according to the evil plan, these animals will learn to pick the locks on their cages and escape. Once free, they will begin to destroy all humankind, paving the way for a struggle-free Bad Alien takeover. But, how can you tell if the animals at your local zoo have been affected? Simple: If the monkeys in the cages start asking you for magazines and toiletries, chances are they are eating ANIMO. So, spread the word to everyone you know to "Remember the Animo".

Bad Aliens Shoot Lasers at Aircraft!

How can we fight against such annoying weapons?

The Rogness Clan is at it again, firing lasers into the cockpits of various commercial aircraft. But, why are they being so evil, demonic, dastardly and irritating? Experts agree that the Bad Ones intend to annoy pilots until they have no choice but to ask the stewardess for a cocktail to help soothe their nerves. This would cause the pilots to violate safety rules and even possibly make passes at the stewardesses. Any way you look at it, it's a bad deal and dangerous for the world. Recent chatter also suggests they may be planning to aim lasers at Starbucks locations, causing customers to spill their espressos. This could seriously damage the industry.

Mt. Saint Helens is doing bad things !

Steam,  ash & fire poured into the sky on 10/1/04

In an insidious effort to destroy the Northwest Portal, the Rogness Clan lit Mt. Saint Helens on fire and made it blow. The mountain has essentially been converted into a very big propane BBQ pit. While, this could be quite handy for feeding the homeless, it's not good for the local vegetation and animal life. But, Why did the Bad Aliens do this? Frustrated that their recent hurricane attacks on Florida failed to sink the state, they decided to try their luck at destroying another region of the USA. Their first volcano attack was launched on the first day of October and did little damage. However, more attacks are expected to follow. It is foretold that the Bad Ones will attempt a campaign of Portal Annihilation In November (P.A.I.N). We hope they fail as this could really interrupt our Thanksgiving dinners.

Bad Aliens are Creating Hurricanes!

Hurricane Ivan is Born to Kill!

You are probably aware that the Bad Aliens have a portal in the Atlantic Ocean known as the Eye of Rogness. But, are you aware that they have recently modified it to create hurricanes? Yes, the Eye of Rogness has produced four hurricanes this season and they have been deadly. The four hurricanes produced by the Bad Ones this season are as follows: Charley, Frances, Ivan & Akmed. Akmed did the least damage in this dimension and was ignored by the media. The Hurricanes produced by the Rogness Clan resemble real hurricanes in every way except one: Rogness Hurricanes leave behind trails of graffiti which exhalt the work of the Rogness and Slander the name of Zaxon.

Dancing Stars over Mexico: Not Hostile Craft!

Zaxon ships seen over Mexico!

A recent sighting of a Zaxonian fleet over Mexico City has caused great concern. In fact, the pilots who saw the craft thought they were hostile ships and decided to shoot at them. Luckily, the Mexican Air Force were such poor shots due to tequila over-consumption, Zaxon got away. Zaxon wants to reassure the world (including the Mexicans) that he means no harm. He was simply practicing for an upcoming airshow in which he plans to perform with his old WWII (War of the Worlds 2) buddies. Check local listings for a show near you. Zaxon also wants to assure the Latin American public that the 'dancing stars' viewed over Mexico were not the members of Menudo practicing for their reunion tour, as was reported by some Mexican tabloids. Gracias.

First private craft reaches Outer Space!

A privately funded space craft has become the first non-government ship to reach outer space. What the mainstream media won't tell you is that the craft was actually funded by Zaxon. And, since Zaxon is the leader of Planet Zaxon it is technically still government funded. However, what is important is the craft's purpose: to seek out and destroy the Bad Aliens. In fact, the guns aboard Space Ship One are so heavy, the craft almost never made it off the ground. On it's next flight, pilots will probably switch to lighter guns instead of the revolvers carried on it's maiden voyage.

Scientific Discovery: Zaxon and Rogness Sculptures!

Archaeologists working under a grant from FAMA unearthed an amazing discovery May 9, 2004. Two sculptures bearing a striking resemblance to Zaxon and Rogness were discovered in a mountainous region of Turkey. The artifacts are constructed of an unknown material and painted with a sparkling dye which was not instantly recognized by anthropologists familiar with ancient painting methods. No other markings were discovered. The sculptures were immediately flown to a secret lab for tests and carbon-dating. While we await results, we can confirm that a plaster cast was made of both sculptures. Hopefully, we can expect to see replicas soon so we can all have a look at the amazing craftsmanship. If you have any more information you must notify me now!

Baby Dragon in Jar is first of Many!

photo: these cute dragons will soon outnumber us!

A recent raid on a suspected Rogness Clan hideout has uncovered a terrible secret: the Bad Aliens have been cloning baby dragons using the ancient Deadly Dragon DNA, known in research communities as D³. The cloning technology employed by the Bad Ones has been particularly effective since they discovered a way to clone the entire dragon, complete with glass jar and liquid formaldehyde, all in one simple process. Authorities believe the Rogness boys intend to create an army of dragons to help them take over the world. Scientists estimate that in a few short months baby could outnumber humans. In as little as one year, there could even be more baby dragons on the planet than there are poodles. Which is frightening because the dragons are substantially less friendly (although much more useful as watchdogs). Many prophets throughout history have foretold of such a plot. Dragons can also be found on Chinese dishes, so they are partly to blame. Government Anti-Rogness agencies have already begun conducting raids on suspected Rogness Dragon Plot sympathizers, including universities and high schools in places like Berkeley and Boston. Teenagers are encouraged to throw away their Yu-Gi-Oh cards to avoid suspicion.

Renegade Rocks: There Goes the Neighborhood!

Innocent looking backyard boulders hide a deadly secret.

That big ordinary rock in your backyard may not be so ordinary. Zaxonian investigation has discovered a strange, living breed of boulder which roots itself in the yards and gardens of suburban neighborhoods. Inside these boulders is a complex network of transmission devices capable of spying on Earthlings and beaming the information back to Planet Rogness. These rocks also eat small pets. If you think you have one growing in your back yard, call a Zaxonian Rock Remover or notify me now!

What happened to the BEAGLE2 ?

On December 25th, the European Mars Lander known as BEAGLE2 was scheduled to land on Mars and beam back information that would answer one question: Is there life on Mars? The scheduled landing time came and went with no word from BEAGLE2. So, what happened? What follows is the REAL story based on transmissions I intercepted on Christmas morning.

It is 2am on December 25th 2003. Ssengor, a resident of the Martian countryside, spots BEAGLE2 entering the Martian atmosphere. Ssengor picks up the phone and calls Ssengor, a police officer in the Martian city of Ssengor. Officer Ssengor then radios Central Headquarters and speaks to Ssengor the Commander. Ssengor dials the direct line to President Ssengor and an executive decision is made to shoot down the invading craft using the newly developed Ssengor5 missile system. The BEAGLE2 is lost.

What made the cows MAD?

Now that Mad Cow Disease has been discovered in the USA, many people are asking three big questions: Why? How? and What made the cows so mad? To this, I offer three answers: Rogness, Rogness 2 and Rogness 4. Yes, Mad Cow Disease was indeed created by the Rogness Clan as part of their continuing efforts to take over the universe. It seems the Rogness Boys incited the very first case of Mad Cow Disease (MCD, not to be confused with McDonalds) back in the early eighties. Apparently, they locked a cow in their basement for two weeks without grain, grass or hay and only unclean water to drink. This is enough to make any animal mad. Once they had successfully enraged the beast, they cloned her and sold the animals at auction in Europe. Once the angry animals were allowed to intermingle with the general population, all hell broke loose (you can imagine). According to Zaxon, the only way to prevent the continued proliferation of MCD (or BSE, not to be confused with Breakfast Steak & Eggs) is to be extra-kind to the cows. Perhaps this will soothe their rage. So, have you hugged a heifer today?